I’d like to know where your PD lives. Does it suffocate you? Does it lurk in the back of your mind always ready to jump out? Does it sit next to you? Are you friends? Enemies? And, what would you say to it if it could hear you?
Ok, so for me it started out with suffocation. There wasn’t a moment when I wasn’t thinking about it. I was obsessed with taking my meds; how I felt, how people reacted to me; not telling my parents- the list goes on & on. It was so overwhelming. I couldn’t shake it.
After the first year and while still getting over the first doctor debacle, it began lurking around me. I still thought about it every moment. I worried. I didn’t sleep. But, then I got into a routine with my new life partner. How can I have two life partners?
Slowly, over time, I began to understand that some days are good and some horrible. Some days you really feel like shit while other days you just want to feel human. Then, one day you feel good, and all of a sudden you start worrying when the other shoe will drop.
But for now, I am happy to say that it sits next to me. We battle it out sometimes, yet I am now breathing much better! And, breathing is good.
What would I say to my PD? I’d like to invite it to leave my brain. I’d be happy telling it “you suck!” But, nothing changes the reality. So, probably, I would say, “please go easy on me. Allow me to keep riding, Boxing, laughing, traveling, working. Help me to accept the bad days! Keep on sending the good days!”